Breathing Again
by Darcyfitz1
Summary: Third installment. Follow up to Drowning and Resurfacing.


~Breathing Again~

Summary - Third installment, follow up to Drowning and Resurfacing.

A/N – I hope you enjoy the ending to this trilogy. In a perfect world, Shamy would have no problems. But the world isn't perfect, and neither are they. This is just my take on how their 'break' affected them both. Please read Drowning and Resurfacing to better understand this.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Time is a funny thing. When it is passing during moments of joy, it goes so fast that if you blink, it's gone. Months, even years could fly by, yet when you look back at the sum of its parts, all you feel is contentment and a wistfulness that speaks of happiness.

But when it passes in sorrow, the seconds crawl by torturously slow. Taunting, relentless, and uncaring. The hands of the clock mock you with their duty, laughing in the face of your devastation. You relive each heartbreaking moment as though it were happening again and again.

For Sheldon Cooper, time was never an issue. He only measured time in accordance to how long it would take him to get from point A to point B. Or how many days it would take for him to succeed in winning a Nobel Prize.

He never dwelled on how many hours until he saw his girlfriend again after he said goodnight to her. Or how many days it would be until the next official date night, where he could end the night with a kiss. Or how many years it would take for her to forgive him after he hurt her feelings so badly on their fifth anniversary that she broke down and admitted she needed a break from their relationship.

From _him_.

Now, time held new meaning. Each tick of the clock reminding him what was missing in his life. What he had taken for granted for so long. What he had lost. At least, for all intents and purposes.

It had been 56 days since he heard Amy's voice.

It had been 1,344 hours since he looked into Amy's eyes.

It had been 4,924,800 seconds since he kissed Amy's lips.

Adding up. Moving forward. Dragging him further and further down a path he didn't want to travel. One that led away from _her_.

It was a desperate move. A cowardly move. But at the time, he didn't see another way. His phone sat on the dresser, calling to him like a Siren.

' _Do something'._ It seemed to beg. _'Fight for her. At least try'_ it urged.

He sat in bed, staring at it without seeing it. He promised her he would comply with her wishes, and grant her this break. He knew, he was being selfish. Part of him cared, yet the _selfish_ part didn't. He loved her. He was crazily in love with her. And had been for a very long time. To sit idly by, and allow her to continue to believe he wasn't was madness.

He believed she knew he loved her. But that love, in her mind, was tempered by friendship. Familiarity. Companionship. It had been hard won, after years of fighting on her part. She earned that love. Deserved that love. But to her, it was as innocent as his love for Leonard.

She had no idea that in addition to those most important traits of the love he felt, lay a deeper connection that he was terrified to embrace. A deep, abiding agape love that had transformed him from a scared boy into a man. An attraction that ran through the core of his very being, making him simultaneously frightened and aroused. A longing for her company, her soul, and yes…her body.

A body he desired as a man desires a woman. To touch her skin. Kiss her. Lie down with her and feel her weight upon him. To join with her and share a pleasure he could only imagine existed.

She had no idea of these thoughts. These desires. Because he never allowed her close enough to see them. Never lowered his defenses enough to let her bask in the reward her love wrought from him.

Yet that night, as he lay in bed staring into eternity, the words came to him so clearly.

 _The heart can think of no devotion_

 _Greater than being shore to the ocean-_

 _Holding the curve of one position,_

 _Counting an endless repetition_

He texted her the poem before he could stop himself. After hitting send, his heart jolted in his chest as he thought of the implications of his actions.

That was what Amy was for him. The shore to his ocean. And he would crash upon her again and again, forever. She was the only sustenance he would ever want. The only safe haven. She had been, for so very long. And he couldn't see it. Maybe he could. And he just didn't want to. She was always there for him, offering gentleness, kindness, and understanding. When everyone ran away, Amy always stayed.

His eyes strayed to the phone, his heart thumping as no answer was forthcoming.

 _What had he done?_

She might be furious. She may tell him they were through; that it was clear he didn't respect her feelings. He sat stunned, staring at his phone for what seemed forever. What was wrong with him? Why did he do that? Wasn't he in deep enough, without adding to the pile? Yet as the seconds dragged by, and his doubts grew, so did his resolve.

He had to show her that he was nothing without her. That in the weeks gone by, his love for her had only grown deeper. He had to do something.

Anything.

Texting her again, he hit send and laid the phone next to him on the bed. He took a deep breath, letting it out through pursed lips.

 _I miss you._

 _I love you._

 _Please forgive me._

Please…

 _I want you._

 _I need you._

 _You're my life._

Please…

 _I'm sorry, Amy._

 _You were right._

 _I'm a fool._

Oh, please…

He closed his eyes, feeling the tears burn his nose.

 _What's done is done_ , he thought in a panic, fearing the worst. Now, she would know how selfish he truly was. How desperate. How pathetic. Surely, she would laugh at him. Pity him. Tell him enough was enough, and that she could do better.

The tears had flowed, and he couldn't help the sob that followed. Why did it always take an extreme event to pull his head out of the sand?

Drying his tears, Sheldon wiped his nose and took a deep breath. If he was going to lose her, then he had to tell her the truth. She deserved that much.

 _I know it's wrong of me to do this. I know it. But you must know, that I meant every word I wrote. I am so sorry. I will give you the space you requested. But please…don't give up on me, Amy. You mean the world to me. My life without you is hollow and dull. Thank you for the years of joy you've given me. I didn't know what I had, until you walked away. I'm trying so hard to be the man you deserve. Please…come back to me. When you're ready, please talk to me. It's so silent here, without you. Love, Sheldon_

He had fallen asleep, phone in hand, exhausted. He was too old to be playing these games, and the grief had finally caught up with him. Deep in the night, a sound roused him from his fitful slumber. It was Amy's chime on his phone, alerting him to a text.

At first, he thought he was dreaming. And then, he was _certain_ he was. Such good fortune could not belong to him.

 _I love you, too. Loving you isn't the issue._

 _I miss you, too. Every single moment._

 _I want you, too. And always will._

 _I need you, too. To put me first as I do you._

 _I forgive you. And I ask that you forgive me. I know my words hurt. But I was hurt. I'm sorry too._

 _Where do we go from here, Sheldon?_

Sheldon didn't believe in a deity. Yet in that moment, he found himself closing his eyes and offering thanks. To anyone and everything responsible if he was granted a second chance. Without even thinking twice, he typed the words he knew resided in his heart and soul.

 _Wherever it is, I want to arrive there…together._

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Four weeks later…

Amy sat in the coffee shop, staring out of the window blankly. She watched at couples strolled by, hand in hand. And as mother's wheeled babies in their prams, smiling at cooing at them. All around her, people were living. She, however, was in limbo.

Since the night she and Sheldon texted, they hadn't spoken again. She knew from Penny that he was desperate to talk to her. See her. She said he barely spoke to them, and when he did, his voice was hollow and lacked any…humanity.

He had taken a sabbatical from Caltech. A two month leave that President Siebert was only too happy to grant. Sheldon had enough vacation time accrued to last him two years. Penny said he spent his days at the park, or at the zoo.

It hurt her to know he was so miserable. She was just as miserable, and missed him terribly. She had come to a decision about what she wanted from their future, and was trying to gather up the courage to call him. She didn't know how she was going to broach the subject, and that's what scared her the most.

Looking out of the window absently, her eyes widened as a familiar figure approached the bookstore across the street, his head lowered and his back hunched. Amy swallowed deeply as she watched him enter, disappearing in the maze of books.

Gathering up her purse and coffee cup, she dumped her garbage and headed across the street before her brain could catch up with her feet. The bell chimed above the door loudly, but no one bothered to look up at her entrance. She looked around the room cautiously, trying to stay covertly hidden.

Amy tip toed down each aisle, having no success in locating her query. She tried the Science section, certain he would be there. No such luck as all she spied were a few young men who looked like they were in high school.

Next, she found herself at the Sci-Fi section. Surely, he would have come this way. He couldn't resist a graphic novel or something Star Trek related. Again, the aisle was empty, it's books the lone inhabitants.

Amy bit her lip in dismay. She was certain it was Sheldon she saw, and she was certain he was here somewhere. A part of her knew she should leave this place, right now. Yet the other part, the part that missed him something fierce, wouldn't let her. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and tried to focus.

 _The heart can think of no devotion…_

Eyes narrowing in understanding, Amy headed up the circular staircase to the second floor, her shoes not making a sound as she stepped off the wrought iron and into the upper maze of what was the philosophy and poetry section. She slowly walked down each aisle, holding tight to the strap of her purse like a lifeline. Turning another corner, her breath stuttered in her chest.

He was there, sitting on the floor of all places amidst piles of books, with his back to her. Even from this distance, she could see the sleeve of the massive book he held with two hands.

The Canterbury Tales.

Oh, Sheldon…

Tears gathered in her eyes as she studied him. It was the first time she lay eyes on him in 10 weeks. To her, he was a beautiful mirage seemingly out of her reach. He was dressed in dark pants and his navy blue windbreaker, his hair in disarray. From the wind, perhaps. It was a windy autumn day, after all. She gulped as she took in his posture, which was tense and daresay she, forlorn. His eyes scanned the pages quickly, evidenced by the way his head moved from left to right before turning the pages. She had no idea what this meant, if anything. But the fact Sheldon was reading her favorite book in the whole world, made her heart leap in her chest.

Had he come here, and read this, to feel close to her? Even though she wasn't one to make such grand assumptions, Amy knew to her core that the answer was yes. The tears rolled down her cheeks, and she found herself approaching him quietly.

Not quietly enough, it seemed, for in the next instant, Sheldon lowered his forehead to the book and exhaled loudly.

"I come here a lot, to think. To read, obviously. I have a lot of time on my hands these days. And yet, each time I come, I'm drawn…here. To this section. To this book. It's very old. And very rare. I think it's a first edition. I'm afraid to inquire. I don't want them to know I read it so much. They would probably kick me out. Or make me buy it. And I probably couldn't afford it. I know it, though. Word for word." He said quietly, still having not turned around.

Amy stifled a sob, her heart beating a path out of her chest. Finding her voice, she licked her dry lips.

"How…how did you know I was here?" She asked softly.

Sheldon flinched at the sound of her voice, and though she couldn't see from her vantage, he closed his eyes and swallowed. The sweet sound of her echoed through the fog, pushing out the sound of his blood pounding in his ears.

Ten weeks. Ten weeks since he'd heard that melodic voice. He could cry for how the sound pushed so pleasurably against his ears, infiltrating his memory banks. So cry he did, allowing a tear to escape and then another.

"Your shampoo," He whispered, his voice soft. "Like fresh orchard apples. I would know you anywhere, Amy Farrah Fowler. That is my penance." He said wistfully, acceptance in his voice.

Amy smiled through her tears, stepping closer to Sheldon. He felt her approach, unable to stave off the inevitable a moment longer. He replaced the book carefully in its slot, running his fingers over its spine tenderly. Turning around, his breath left him in a whoosh as he took her in.

She was…beautiful. Plain and simple. And there would never be another creature on the face of the Earth that possessed such beauty, both within and without. She was looking at him with a look of such…longing…that he didn't know what to do or say. Her emerald eyes blinked slowly, taking him in as well. They traced a path from his face to his shoes, and back again. When they again met his, Amy stepped forward.

Why had he never allowed himself to be swept away by the heat that pulsed between them? That chemical reaction that occurred whenever they were within ten feet of each other? The electricity crackled and popped between them, reminding him in cruelty that he was merely a man. Not a Homo Novus. And he never would be.

His fingers itched to touch her, an honor he had for years without appreciating. At any time, he could have shown her more affection physically, dispelling any doubts she may have had about his desire for her. He prayed he hadn't lost that right as she watched him closely, her eyes looking so damn beautiful in the muted light of the alcove they stood in.

"Sheldon…I…"She faltered, unable to look away from the intensity of his gaze. Even when he was clueless, Sheldon never failed to undo her with his eyes. Did he know the power of eye contact? Because since day one, he had always unnerved her with his intense eye contact.

Penny had once teased her, saying she and Sheldon shared what was termed 'eye coitus'. Amy had laughed it off, thinking that was preposterous. And yet…

Yet, she couldn't deny that every time Sheldon looked at her thusly, all she could imagine was them making love. And how their eye contact felt like a substitute for it. He was touching her, caressing her…in the most intimate way. And he had never laid a finger on her. Perhaps, that was Sheldon's way of sharing himself with her, and she'd never even known. How could she not have? It was plain as day, in the way his eyes roamed her face and body, his pupils dilating as she bravely stepped even closer into his personal space.

"You…what?" He questioned huskily, his eyes sliding down to her lips and remaining there. Amy closed her eyes, unable to form a rational thought. For a virgin, he seemed well versed in the methods of seduction. That was another trait about him that she had missed all this time. Sheldon was a learner. And a quick one at that. He read everything. Absorbed everything. Remembered, everything.

A thought crossed her mind then, weighing her down with guilt. The night of their anniversary, when she left in tears due to his mindless remark about The Flash…she accused him of never thinking of her. Never putting her first. Never giving her more than a cursory glance or a perfunctory afterthought.

Yet here he was, after ten weeks of no contact, and he was still hoping. Still keeping faith that she wanted him. Still trying to hang onto her by sharing something he knew she loved. He was Sheldon Cooper. And he wouldn't ever stop being Sheldon Cooper. He was bombarded with a myriad of thoughts all of the time. His brain was remarkable, and did not function like an average person's would.

There was a time that she loved that about him. When did she start using that against him? When did she start blaming him for simply being…Sheldon?

She knew she was worthy of complete and total attention. Devotion. Love. Those things, in her mind, were non-negotiable. She realized that Sheldon had never denied her those things. He just delivered them to her in his own way. The choice she had to make, was if _his_ way was good enough for her.

If _he_ was good enough for her.

As the tears fell faster and faster down her downy cheeks, she came to the overwhelming conclusion that yes…he was. He was her whole world. As she knew, she was his.

She took a deep breath, their bodies now almost touching.

"I…miss you, Sheldon. I think about you, every moment of every day. I miss your voice. I miss your touch. I miss your eyes. I miss your intelligence. I miss your sarcasm and wit. I miss…everything. Everything about you haunts me." She admitted, lowering her face in defeat.

Had she been aware, she would have seen the way Sheldon's eyes widened at her confession. Or the way his throat convulsed as he swallowed, unable to comprehend her words. But she had missed it, her lovely eyes downcast.

Sheldon took her face in his hands, raising her tear stained face to his own. What she saw in his eyes floored her.

"I miss you so much, Amy. I think about you constantly. I hate myself for the way I've handled things between us. There is so much to say…I don't know where to begin. But I think…I know one way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that I wasn't attentive to your needs. I'm sorry that I made you think I didn't care about you as much as you cared about me. I'm sorry I never told you that I'm in love with you. Because I am. So in love that it hurts. It physically _hurts_ , Amy. Maybe I deserve that pain, as a reminder to what I've done. I don't know. I'm not the most fluent when it comes to reading people. But you were different. You aren't just…people. You are the masterpiece that I want to read over and over again. I want to commit you to my eidetic memory, so that everything about you is ingrained in every cell of me. Please…tell me it's not too late for us," He whispered, the raw fear in his voice making Amy cry harder.

The Sheldon Cooper she knew could take or leave relationships. He needed no one. Yet here he was, proclaiming his love and begging her for another chance.

"It's not too late, Sheldon." She assured him, reaching out a hand tenderly and stroking his cheek.

Years later, if you asked him, Sheldon would say he didn't think about his next reaction. He just let go, giving in to the love, longing, passion, and desire he felt. Wrapping his arms around Amy, he pulled her into his embrace and lowered his lips to hers with gentle force. The kiss took her by surprise, as did the intensity behind it. For in all of their kissing experiments, Sheldon was very conservative. Tight lipped, no tongue, hands respectfully placed on safe areas not meant to offend.

But this…this was something Amy had never experienced before. Let alone, with Sheldon. His lips gently pried hers open, his sweet breath mingling with hers seconds before his velvety tongue caressed her own. Amy gasped at the sensation, the wetness and sensuality of the movement making her lightheaded. In desperation, she clutched Sheldon across the back, feeling his hard muscles anchoring her lest she fall down.

She had always been attracted to Sheldon. From the moment she laid eyes upon him, she wanted him. She lied to him, telling him she wasn't interested in a physical relationship. She lied to him, telling him love was a useless concept. This man was everything in the Universe, and she longed for him, body and soul. The way he held her now, moving his mouth over hers in the most erotic way, made her cry harder. Her tears fell into their mouths as they kissed frantically, Sheldon falling back into a chair and pulling Amy on top of his lap. He didn't release her mouth, moaning quietly when Amy nipped his upper lip before running her tongue along his lower lip. The action had him panting within seconds.

"Amy…" He whispered, his lips latching on to her neck. She shivered from the sensation and ran her hands through his hair. It dawned on them both that they were essentially making out in a public place. At the moment, neither one cared.

Sheldon pulled away breathlessly, his forehead falling against hers in relief.

"Oh, my…I've been such a fool." He said, sadness mixed with awe in his voice. Amy shook her head from side to side, overwhelmed. "That night…that night you left…I wanted you to spend the night with me, Amy. I was trying to work up the courage to ask you. I don't know why what I asked you about The Flash slipped out. I think…I was trying to diffuse the tension. I was so nervous, and in typical Sheldon Cooper fashion, I pushed you away. I'm so sorry, Amy. I don't know what I'm doing," He admitted sadly, taking a deep breath and blowing it out anxiously.

Amy nodded, knowing Sheldon was being honest with her.

"Sheldon…I won't ever pressure you again. I told you that before Prom. I just…I long for you, Sheldon. I do. And like I said, I'm always hoping. I can't help the way I feel. You bring this out of me. I've fallen so deeply in love with you, that I don't know which way is up. It's just…sometimes, I need to know that I'm not alone in my feelings." She said sadly, and Sheldon ran his knuckles down her cheek.

"You are most assuredly _not_ alone, Dr. Fowler." He promised, his voice strong and sure.

Amy smiled, laying her head on his shoulder.

They sat there on the oversized chair, in their private alcove, for at least an hour. Sheldon ran his palms down her back soothingly, telling her without words how much he loved her. Missed her. And would do everything in his ability to make her happy. They knew a long conversation was on the horizon, but neither one was afraid any longer. From here on out, honesty would reign. They both had skirted the edge of loneliness, and knew they were far stronger together than they were apart.

Sheldon accompanied Amy back to her apartment that night, following her into the darkness of her room without a word. He'd never admit it to her in the past, but the fact she had a Tardis for a door turned him on something fierce. She had done that for _him_. To make him happy. He was so lucky, and from now on, he would appreciate that. Appreciate _her_.

They lay together in the darkness, each succumbing to the best night's sleep they had in months. The weight was lifted from their chests, allowing them both to reach the surface. After so long under water, it was a relief to finally breathe again.

Sheldon thought of the ring that lay hidden in his desk drawer, Golum keeping sentinel over it. The day was coming when he would present it to Amy, promising her forever. She already owned his heart. He couldn't wait to give her everything he could. Beginning with his name.

The End.

A/N - Thank you for reading.


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